professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.