No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
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Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times