If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.