@lwhit_the_boss

If Jay-Z is married to Beyonce and is a multimillionaire and still has 99 problems then there ain’t no hope for the rest of us

@lwhit_the_boss

The government is so screwed up and dysfunctional, I’m amazed I haven’t tried to date it yet

@lwhit_the_boss

The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.

@lwhit_the_boss

My signature move at parties is flirting with a cute guy for half an hour before realizing he’s actually a bag of Cheetos

@lwhit_the_boss

I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it’s “adorable,” but if I do, I’m “causing a disturbance” and “need to leave”? Whatever.

@lwhit_the_boss

A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.