TWEET CALL
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question