I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
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I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Succinctly put.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Otters see a butterfly.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
My typo game is string.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking