Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
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If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Every photo I’m tagged in
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.