“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
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DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies