By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.