the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
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Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Happy Thanksgiving
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??