My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
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Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?