@mack44_d

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@mack44_d

Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.

@mack44_d

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

@mack44_d

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

@mack44_d

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

@mack44_d

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

@mack44_d

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

@mack44_d

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

@mack44_d

Therapist: ‘In a word, tell me how you feel about-‘

Me: ‘NACHOS!’