Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Therapist: ‘In a word, tell me how you feel about-‘