@mack44_d

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

@mack44_d

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

@mack44_d

Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’

Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’

Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’

@mack44_d

16: ‘Where’s the remote?’

Me: ‘When I was your age, we had to walk over to the tv to change the channel!’

16: ‘Now you’re just making stuff up.’

@mack44_d

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

@mack44_d

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

@mack44_d

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

@mack44_d

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

@mack44_d

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.