@mack44_d

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

@mack44_d

‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’

~Jason Voorhees, in therapy

@mack44_d

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

@mack44_d

She said she was a cat person…

…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.

@mack44_d

*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*

@mack44_d

A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.

@mack44_d

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

@mack44_d

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

@mack44_d

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

@mack44_d

16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’