Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’