Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.