Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
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wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass