Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
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That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
#FunnyLife Insects
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.