I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
You Might Also Like
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
To see more unmatched reporting, visit
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I am patiently waiting for your email
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.