[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
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fourth time’s the charm
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Self-cleaning conscience
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.