@madcaplaughs30

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

@madcaplaughs30

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

@madcaplaughs30

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

@madcaplaughs30

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

@madcaplaughs30

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”