If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”