Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
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I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Just a reminder, folks:
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.