I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
#merica
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.