Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Some of y’all tomorrow …