According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
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Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.