I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.