Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?