He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
@funTweeters
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*