I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My dryer is celebrating lint.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I’m not wrong
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.