I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*pronounces surface like Versace*
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.