You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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I hate when that happens.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Usage Guidelines
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*