Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
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Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.