i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
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I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”