How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
A leaf blower, but for people.