ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
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Livid.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.