And that about sums it up.
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mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates