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BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.