I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.