ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
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My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.