I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Haha good job!!
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
mariah carrie
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
WHY would you be happy about this?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop