There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
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TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.