My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
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“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.