In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
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Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ