I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.