I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*