When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.