🍞🦆
You Might Also Like
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
Lol
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house