WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up