We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
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Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
sliding into dms like
A woman drives into a bar.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.