I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click