You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
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Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I only say stupid things when I talk.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery