Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
You Might Also Like
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
first you must answer his riddles
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*